I can't find any words to describe my feelings now. I simply can't. My attempt to analyse my state of mind was in vain. I feel very empty, and very blank inside. But i can sense the embroilment of emotions in the deeper me. I am juz everwhelmed by my warring feelings. My mind was dulled by the things that are happening around me. My state of mind resembles the sunlight which is made of many colours disguised and blended as a white colour.
After a few weeks of intense study of the topic "adolescence" in GP, I find that I myself, no matter how mature i profess myself as, am still an emotionally insecure and fragile adolescent. I am reluctant to step into the fledgling adolescent that is already upon me. I thought I have passed the adolescence stage...the game has just begun...i was so astonished by my slow emotional development...I was too childish. Never in my wildest dream did i imagine that adolescence is a burden that would weigh heavily down my shoulders...
I am trapped in the midst of adolescence, which I earnestly wish to but am unable to fight...
Everything happened so fast in the past two months. It was like a dream. And I, the dreamer, have finally waken up, in a realisation that i sincerely wish not to have realised. Yes, life is full of paradoxes. In the past two months, as I see more clearly about true friendship, I am more confused in the complexity and perplexity of friendship. My friend Zi Wei left for NZ a week ago, and i was there to send him off. There is a cliche that says that when a person is about to leave us, we would then start caring for him and paying attention to him. This is not true for me!!! I started becoming more aware of this friend only after a week since his departure. When i read his blog, i began to notice that he is not the person i thought he is. And the seed of pain and regret of losing a friend only started sprouting after a week of dormancy. I really start thinking that everyone is unique....and that everyone is complex in his thinking. I will pay more attention to understanding every friend of mine. And i mean it.
Love, to me, is the greatest thing on earth. Yet it's as deadly as AIDS to me. I don't feel much loves from the people that surround me. Love, of course, means more than romantic love. It includes love from friends also. And I can hardly feel the love of my relatives in a foreign country. And i have no lover....so love from friends is the only source of love for me. To me love is like a source of nutrients...Dunno why, i always feel that i am the love giver, but the love i receive in return is meagre...maybe i am too greedy...maybe i am mistaken...love and frenship is not maths, the eqn need not to be balanced... Dunno why i am constantly plagued by a lurking virus called depression, which culminates in the presence of loneliness. But i seem to have found a cure: brotherhood...but it is still in its primitive stage...it needs the element "time" to further enhance and prove its workability.
If i am confused with friendship and love, then i am totally at loss for me myself and I. After 16 years of living, growing and learning, i find that the most confusing thing to me is still my own self...my true self...the real me...the inner me. Everyone has his uniqueness and individuality....what's mine? I am really in the search for my self-identity...
The class had a gathering juz now at school...quite fun...dunno what to say abt it...speechless now...and need a time lag to formulate and organise my thots. A 7-hr sleep would do. I really think that "Auld Lang Syne" is a nice song. Juz like the song "Moon represents my heart", it is immortal.
After a few weeks of intense study of the topic "adolescence" in GP, I find that I myself, no matter how mature i profess myself as, am still an emotionally insecure and fragile adolescent. I am reluctant to step into the fledgling adolescent that is already upon me. I thought I have passed the adolescence stage...the game has just begun...i was so astonished by my slow emotional development...I was too childish. Never in my wildest dream did i imagine that adolescence is a burden that would weigh heavily down my shoulders...
I am trapped in the midst of adolescence, which I earnestly wish to but am unable to fight...
Everything happened so fast in the past two months. It was like a dream. And I, the dreamer, have finally waken up, in a realisation that i sincerely wish not to have realised. Yes, life is full of paradoxes. In the past two months, as I see more clearly about true friendship, I am more confused in the complexity and perplexity of friendship. My friend Zi Wei left for NZ a week ago, and i was there to send him off. There is a cliche that says that when a person is about to leave us, we would then start caring for him and paying attention to him. This is not true for me!!! I started becoming more aware of this friend only after a week since his departure. When i read his blog, i began to notice that he is not the person i thought he is. And the seed of pain and regret of losing a friend only started sprouting after a week of dormancy. I really start thinking that everyone is unique....and that everyone is complex in his thinking. I will pay more attention to understanding every friend of mine. And i mean it.
Love, to me, is the greatest thing on earth. Yet it's as deadly as AIDS to me. I don't feel much loves from the people that surround me. Love, of course, means more than romantic love. It includes love from friends also. And I can hardly feel the love of my relatives in a foreign country. And i have no lover....so love from friends is the only source of love for me. To me love is like a source of nutrients...Dunno why, i always feel that i am the love giver, but the love i receive in return is meagre...maybe i am too greedy...maybe i am mistaken...love and frenship is not maths, the eqn need not to be balanced... Dunno why i am constantly plagued by a lurking virus called depression, which culminates in the presence of loneliness. But i seem to have found a cure: brotherhood...but it is still in its primitive stage...it needs the element "time" to further enhance and prove its workability.
If i am confused with friendship and love, then i am totally at loss for me myself and I. After 16 years of living, growing and learning, i find that the most confusing thing to me is still my own self...my true self...the real me...the inner me. Everyone has his uniqueness and individuality....what's mine? I am really in the search for my self-identity...
The class had a gathering juz now at school...quite fun...dunno what to say abt it...speechless now...and need a time lag to formulate and organise my thots. A 7-hr sleep would do. I really think that "Auld Lang Syne" is a nice song. Juz like the song "Moon represents my heart", it is immortal.
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