long time no blog

indeed.

college life is so dynamic that sometimes i feel lost and directionless in the inexorable flux of dynamics. so many things i wish to do. so many constraints and holdbacks. so many choices to make. Sometimes freedom enslaves us more than the lack of it does.

nowadays whenever i read my personal mission statement and YHMP, i can't help but sneer at my naivety and my aspiration when i penned them down. nowhere am i now near the "neo-modern man" that i have always aspired to be. Am still trying to find my niche here: academic and social. of course it would be easy to say "just be yourself", but what is the "self" that i possess? is that not subject to flux? is that not subject to societal expectation and peer pressure? when will i be "neo-modern man" that Osho described in "The Book of Man"?

if there's anything that's constant about me, it is that i always live in contradiction and tragedy.
and it doesnt help that my class requires me to read about philosophy and psychology, which only serves to make me think more. and more. and more.
and no more.


i cant afford to have any more irrational emotional upheaval again.
i want to be cool-headed and warm-hearted. (see, i'm trying to be someone that i am not, and that creates more personality dilemma..)

and i cant even listen to my own music and work in my own room. my dear laptop is spoilt T.T
being a very home-bound person as i am, i dont particularly enjoy being a nomad always working in the libraries or computer labs.


BUT (teachers always advise us to put some twists in our stories =)

i am happy.
life is full of possibilities (including the possibility to fail completely).
i am alive.
i am studying.
i have good friends
what more can i ask?

oh yes, and parties =D
this alone makes me college life a happy one :)



i will be so disciplined. so driven. from the moment i click "Publish Post".
yes i will.