Begin with the end in mind,

See death as the final destination

Someone who long for a rejuvenation of childhood innocent in this world of hypocrisy and irony... Someone who long for a touch of love in this cold and heartless strange land... Like a fallen angel, heaven seems to be so near, yet so far from me... Begin with the end in mind. Think death as the destination, As we edge closer to it everyday I love you

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Science, where are you ? Roger McGough

I started smoking young. The big C
didn’t scare me. By the time
I was old enough to get it,
Science would have found a cure.
‘Ad astra per angina’ was the family
motto, and thrombosis
an heirloom I didn’t care to inherit.
But I didn’t worry. By the time
I was old enough to face it
St Science would surely have
slain that particular dragon.

Suddenly I’m old enough…..

Science, where are you Science?
What have you been doing
All these years? Were you playing
Out when you should have been
Doing our homework? Daydreaming
In class when you should have been paying attention?
Have you been wasting your time
And worse still, wasting mine

When you left school did you
Write scripts for Tomorrow's World
Before being seduced by a starlet
From a soap ad? Lured by the
Bright lights of commercialism
Did you invent screwtop bottles,
Self- adhesive wallpaper, non-stick
Pans, chocolate that melts
In the mouth not the hands?
Kingsize fags, tea-leaves in bags
cars and bras sycophantic
Oxo cubes now transatlantic?


(or worse still
Did you fall
for a sweet talkin’
warmonger?have a
consciencectomy
and practise death control?)

The Arts I expected nothing from.
Good company when they’re sober
but totally unreliable. But
Science, I expected more from you.
A bit dull perhaps, but steady.
Plodding, but getting there in the end.
Now the end limps into view and where are you? Cultivating
cosmic pastures new? Biting off
more Space than you can chew?
Science you’re needed here, come down
and stay. I’ve got this funny pain
and it won’t go awa

a

a

a

a

g

h

g

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

interesting

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/evopsych.html
it answers my long-time qn whether we really have choice over what we do.

another interesting site is http://studentssketchpad.blogspot.com/
do read all the past entries.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

interesting quote

"If you want happiness for an hour -- take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day -- go fishing.
If you want happiness for a month -- get married.
If you want happiness for a year -- inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime -- help someone else."

someone


"音乐不是娱乐,而是生命的节奏"

- 王家驹


beyond 精神: 和平,爱,积极人生

Friday, October 14, 2005

science and religion

interesting articles on Science and Religion, one of my favourite topics

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/27/science/27essa.html?ex=1129348800&en=016508074273f63a&ei=5070

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/06/science/sciencespecial2/06canyon.html

well, i have always believed in having a Creator, and fine-tuner, for our universe. and i always think that Evolution is the basis of Biology.

Excerpt:

This is not the God of deism, who cranked up the universe and let it run. In drafting the principles of physics he left trapdoors - what Dr. Polkinghorne calls "causal joints" - through which to intervene, placing the earth in a hospitable orbit or unleashing the cascade of mutations needed for a microbe to evolve into a man. The trick is to do this without appearing to violate his own laws.

Some theologians speculate that this happens on the subatomic level, when a particle appears to dart probabilistically, with a roll of the quantum dice. Maybe it is God doing the shuffling, and what appears to mortals as quantum indeterminacy is divine intervention in disguise.

Others propose that God acts through nonlinear dynamics, in which microscopic fluctuations give rise to potentially earthshaking results - chaos theory's "butterfly effect." Here too the influence would be undetectable. With or without the guiding hand of the creator, reality would appear the same.


It feels so good to read. Havent been reading much lately, and as a result i feel this sense of intellectual void in my mind. Sigh (big one), how I wish I could take a step back from this whirlpool of activities and immerse myself in reading. I have such a long and interesting list of books to read. But time is running out, and i will be very very busy the next few weekssss, so don't think i can read any of the books. And i DON'T want to read notes notes notes again. again. and again.

And NO. i don't want to read "The insider's guide to American Colleges" , "Barron SAT I", etc

unlikely saviours

when i was at the lowest point of my life, i saw no light. i sensed no helpin hands. i felt doomed.

but thank you my frens, for u were my unlikely saviours. you may not know it, and there might not be any particular reason, but u really lifted me up. though i nv tell u any of my wooes, somehow chatting with u (abt random stuff) made my day (or night). You reminded me that i m still gd, and helped me to pick up my shattered confidence. I dunno why, no one wld understand my wooes nowadays. maybe pple think tt i m too strong and i wld not fall. i fell. and when i fell, i felt v bad. v bad. and thx guys for giving me the reassurance tt i m gd. i need those. i need accolades. so tt i can continue to believe and continue to dream big. and because of u guys, who continue to believe in me, i will do my best, and i will do it for myself and for u guys.

thx michelle, jonathan, and a lot of my juniors and band frenz, for always believing in me. your trust in me really means a lot to me.
thx hongming, for thanking me when i agreed to lend u my laptop
thx weng hong, for telling me a lame joke...haha


and happy birthday my dearest mortal, Michelle. Thanks for being my Guardian Angel for tonight.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Platonic Relationship


platonic relationship is a v complicated and diffult-to-maintain one. due to both the nature of the relationship as well as the complication made by humans and the"norms" etched deeply in out society.

I always believe that platonic relationship can exist. Sadly not many people view it this way. Well, at least we believe so, and it's all that matter
.

Source
for:
http://www.womenexcel.com/relationships/platonic.htm
against:
http://www.missabigail.com/advice/q3.html

extracts:


"The general notion of platonic friendship is an intimacy between a man and a woman which has no element of sex in it, but which is nearly as warm as love!
They are supposed to be together constantly, and enjoy each other's conversation and mental tastes, but they are not supposed to give each other thrills! and each is free to love someone else."


"Platonic friendships are always suspected of being a front for something else. Claims of "we're just good friends" are almost always greeted with quiet sniggers or statements like, "Ha, we know what that means." The prevalent belief is that it is simply impossible for a man and a woman to be friends, a relationship of intimacy devoid of sexual connotations. Wherever a friendship between two people of the opposite sex is seen, society makes predictions about how the friendship is doomed to fail. The general view is that sooner or later, the relationship will get too intimate for comfort."


"We need to see a friendship as a friendship, one of the most beautiful and enduring relationships humans can enjoy and cherish. The players concerned are incidental, they could be a woman and a woman, or a man and a woman. We need to understand that the beauty of it remains the same. We need to appreciate that it offers consolation, comfort and companionship to the concerned people. We can do so only if we stop identifying friendship under the narrow constricting straitjackets of a particular sex."

again, i like the result :)

Again, the result of this test AMAZED me. How can it be so accurate? (full of positive things right? :)

But really, the part about idealistic, intuitive, and painting with broad strokes and neglect details...that's me..too oftenly criticized for not taking care of details. Unorthodox also.

Well, if the test is really accurate. Does tt mean I have the same personality as Ivan and Alfred? Possible?



Your Birthdate: June 22



While sometimes employing unorthodox approaches, you are capable of handling large scale undertakings.

You assume great responsibility and work long and hard toward completion.

Often, especially in the early part of life, there is rigidity or stubbornness, and a tendency to repress feelings.



Idealistic, you work for the greater good with a good deal of inner strength and charisma.

An extremely capable organizer, but likely to paint with broad strokes rather than detail.

You are very aware and intuitive.

You are subject to a good deal of nervous tension.

I have to say that the person who created these quizzes are good at making you believe in what the result indicates. But as usual, I put these tests down coz surprisingly I am convinced by the results. Maybe these are actually just what i hope to be.



Your Hidden Talent

You are both very knowledgeable and creative.
You tend to be full of new ideas and potential - big potential.
Ideas like yours could change the world, if you build them.
As long as you don't stop working on your dreams, you'll get there.



Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest:

You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you.

At Your Lowest:

You require a lot of attention and praise.

In Love:

You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are.

How You're Attractive:

You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic.

Your Eternal Question:

"Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

Thursday, October 06, 2005

future is so near

Here's something i got from a theoretical senior of mine. It really makes me rethink my intention, my purpose, of wanting a scholarship to go overseas. I know i want to go overseas, to broaden my life experience and to develop my intellectual and spiritual character in a more stimulating milieu. I dread to stay here, a land where a shallow and brainless letter of HM can be published in the national newspaper. I know eventually I might still stay here, coz my chance of going abroad (with a scholarship) is very very slim. Sure the people here are nice. Friends are good. I am familiar with the cultures and the practises. It is safe. It is closer to home. But I feel an instinctive need in me to immerse myself in a different environment ( exposing myself to a different selection pressure?), one that would really stretch my intellectual thinking, one that would really make me mature cognitively and spiritually. I want to go beyond. I want to reach a different quantum level. I want a rebel. A rebel against my old self.

On taking scholarship, after reading his predicament, I would really have to think twice, and think hard, about getting a local (S'pore) scholarship. I totally empathise with him. The type of chagrin you feel, when you are deemed or seen as a person who gives up his citizenship, and takes up another, just to get the money to study. The kind of reluctance, and the tinge of guilt, to give up your identity, in exchange for a guaranteed bright future? It really boils down to my own values, my beliefs. Some people are very relax about citizenship, and some are very serious about it. For me, it is the sense of root that matters. Would I feel as though I am a man who loses his root? Would I feel a sense of satisfaction, fulfillment, to live in this society? Should I guard my past,my identity,my root valiantly, or should I embrace the future with an open arm and an open heart? And very importantly, would I be happy to work for a company for 6 years and more? Would I enjoy my work or would I merely see it as debt-paying? I want to have a work that I love and enjoy. How is that possible with being bonded to a company? Hmm that depends on how I view the scholarship and the bond. If I view it as an opportunity for me to have an exciting work experience, then I would be a happy man. If I view it as a route for me to go overseas, and as a "bond" that shackles me to working in the company for my youth, then I am sure I would not be as happy as I would wish to be. Job satisfaction is clearly a big part of a happy life. It would surely be nice If i have a clear notion and what do I wanna do in the future. But as usual, I have no idea. Not the slightest idea. My friend, 10 years later when you see me, don't be surprised if i have become a philosopher/psychologist/doctor/accountant/ politician/researcher... To accept a scholarship from a company, I really do need to find a reason, a purpose, a strong belief, in joining the company. Thus, the most ideal scholarship for me would be a bond-free one, as I do not like to be tied down, to be part of a system, a plan.

For now, I juz have to focus on my SATII. Cannot afford to blow it up like my prelim. If it is screwed up, it is really GG liao. as gnoy said: "GG, no RM" (which stands for "Good Game, no ReMake", a term used in DotA)




"
Empty!

I left USA, full of nothingness. And yet I'm not as cool as that Xu Zhimo who left Cambridge saying 我挥一挥衣袖 不带走一片云彩 that's so different! That's saying that he is content leaving without even a wisp of cloud - but I'm leaving with no sign of contentness, no sign of being able to bring anything fruitfull back - all that's left is the same luggage and my trombone that counts for nothing, that went to US with me 5 years ago and came back the same.

Why can't this transition be like the transition from Chen Moh to CHS, full of anticipation of all things great in music? Or from CHS to HCJC, full of adventure away from home at last? Or from HCJC to CMU, finally a chance to be a global citizen and conquer the world? Or from CMU to Stanford, full of hopes for better food and weather? Or like the transistion from Stanford to Amazon, full of anticipation of a great working environment with smart people that you're supposed to make history with?

Why is this transition so empty? With nothing, almost nothing to look forward to?

For the whole morning, the only explanation I can come up with lies in the fact that I'm walking the path towards getting a Singapore citizenship. From the point I chose to return, I have chose to continue the relationship with a company that I promised my youth to 5 year ago, of which part of the relationship requires me to relinquish something that I've only treasured more and more as time past, an identity that I've fought to forge more and more as I move out globally.

Do you know how many weird faces I have to go through when I said I come from Malaysia and yet I have to work for a Singaporean company for 6 years? Do you know how many shock faces I have to elaborate to when I said a study scholarship has consequences of giving up one's citizenship? Do you know how many angry faces I need to appease when they heard the story or read the contract?

Can this simple matter drain me like a dementors? It's hardly believable when I think of it in ths past. Now I can't think so I can't verify this thought again. Maybe it's too late to think now. But then it's going to be very sad if I were to take up something that I have no passion, derive no happiness, see no reason. I'm very much the same emotional being that I was since 3 years old. I cry, I get agitated, I beat people up. And it's as if I'm doing that to myself.

Perhaps it's this irrationality that has beaten me into pieces. I create systems, in fact I'm master of creating systems that works. But I also know how it feels to be part of a system. It's a hopeless wander with rules to follow. It's a manisfestation of beauty at the expense of freedom to be irrational. Everything is a pair of cause and effect, reason and consequence. Every vector is a story that has a beginning and an ending; every state is a logical moment of the big picture. Now that I've written this down, I wish that some wind can just blow this whole thing away.

"

Saturday, October 01, 2005

bloggin'

Blogging has become one of the most potent forces in both the cyber and real community. There is no doubt that blogging empowers people. yes, normal people, rich and pool, you and me, high or low profile, Tony Blair or Tan Beng Kong. For the lonely hearts or the verbally unexpressive pple, blog presents a place for them to express their feeling and let their frenz know about their thinkings. For the socialites, it is a convenient place to keep in touch with friends and to socialise. Imagine that what you writes in a blog can save you the time, the energy and trouble to (e)mail and to keep in touch with every single fren, close or distant, that you've promised to remain in contact with. How convenient that is! Ray mentioned also she might set up a blog to keep her frenz updated abt her life if she goes overseas. For writers-wannabe, or those people who really have their own thoughts and would like to share with others, it is a convenient place too to write about political and social issues, or just to share some newly-composed poems.

Everything in life is a double-edged sword. Blogosphere is also an abyss of lies, slanders, derides, bitching, political rallying, and ignorant and insensitive remarks too. This is because blogging does not only empowers the intellectuals, the enlighteneds, the thinking and sensitive population, it gives ammunition to the vast field of idiots too. Idiots who never think and would always want to share their 2 cents worth to show that they are not idiots. (OK, i could be one of them..) There are blogs that talk entirely about their own lives, and i love to read those also if they happen to be my frens'. But it infuriates me when some pple are impatient to offer their shallow and insensitive views. Sometimes i never know the extent of folly and the measure of bigotry one possess until i read his/her blog. I would go like: how can (s)he say this way? Why would he feel this way..blablabla. For instance I was shocked and deeply hurt when i read a distant fren of mine talked bad of me (with skewed viewpoints). WHy would he have such a skewed view?

There is a big hoo-ha recently about blogging. 3 men are charged for "seditious remarks"as they post racist comments on their blogs. Several JC students face college internal punishment for deriding their teachers in blogs. Sometimes i wonder whether we, or the authority, have gone too far, especially when charging bloggers on the law of sedition(see the definition below). The government must be very imaginitive and innnovative to be able to see the possibility of a brainless racist remark transforming into a catalyst for racial riots or unrest in the country. the gov is only contradicting itself: it simply thinks that our society and our racial relationship are not mature enough to handle one apparently stupid comment, so much for the social cohesion and racial harmony in our country that the gov always boasts about.

se·di·tion Audio pronunciation of "sedition" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (s-dshn)
n.
  1. Conduct or language inciting rebellion against the authority of a state.
  2. Insurrection; rebellion.

I think we need to consider the motives b4 we take any actions against bloggers. Is it to cause deliberate harm and slander? Is it to cause social unrest? Is it a slip of pen? Or is it mere stupidity and ignorance? Is it a well-planned action? Or is it an act of impulse? On the issue of deriding teachers, RJ student once put a video online about a GP tcher tearing apart a student's script. Of cuz, the student was immediately stopped and punished (i think so...unless RJ is really that liberal). But how big a role did this saga play in influencing the name of RJ? the top students are still sqeezing through the gate of RJ. The only use of the video was probably to be a laughing stock for HC (lucky my horrendous papers are still intact, though flooded with red inks :S). The voice of the unhappy student can be repressed by inhibiting them to blog their complaints. But the sentiment would not die. Worse, the repression will deter the voice of the origins, the thinkers, the intellectuals. It would extinguish the fire of creativity and passion in life for the students. The much-lamented apathy of the younger generation is thus a reflection of the attitude of our society as a whole towards the unconventionals, the rebels, the innovative lots, those who can think and jump out of the box. Thus schools shdnt make a big fuss about students portraying schools in bad light in their blogs. This is not to sanction ignorant and stupid remarks, but to cultivate the culture of thinking, of reflection, of participation in the younger generation. Having a mixture of good and bad comments is better than having no comment at all.

We should allow the blogosphere to self-regulate. The stupid and ignorant remarks would be blasted, while judicious and critical views would be applauded. The intervention of the authority would only be necessary for really seditious comments by crazy people. Most imptly, the authority needs to trust the bloggers to have gd judgement. Only such endowment of, not the lack of, trust would make the blogosphere and forums to be more mature. Only then the society can grow. Imagine, if you can't even have your own say in a virtual world, how safe would you feel to voice out in the real world.

Yes, i acknowledge that there needed to have a firm grip in this society some years ago for it was a young and fragile nation. But i think it is time for the society to have a quantum leap in its openness. not juz bartop dancing and bungee jumpin. but real openness.

In case the authority would like to take actions against me, I am Xombile Fernandez Kadenza, from Papua New Guinea. 24, Queen Street, King City.